Announcements

My pregnancy was much like the others. For the first trimester, I slept as I made dinner, taught career exploration classes, cleaned the house, talked to my kids, attended a teacher improvement course at BYU-Idaho, and prepared simple dinners. Sometimes, I slept laying down while Ellie napped. Mostly, I slept standing up. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was eating, trying to stay ahead of nausea one cracker or pickle or peanut at a time. They say exercise cures first-trimester exhaustion and nausea. I believe it. But the craving for a cracker and a nap was strong and I preferred that remedy. 

 

It was hard to keep a secret from my older kids, who would quickly question why their mom seemed to be one of the walking dead. On a drive home from the Dollar Store, I was chatting with Sophie and I said, “guess what?” “You’re pregnant!” she teased. I was only going to tell her what we were eating for dinner, so her response caught me off guard. Later that night, I pulled her into my room to tell her the news. She was thrilled, jumping up and down with excitement. Isac and Haddy were told individually few days later. “Cool! I’ve always wanted a big family!” was Isac’s response. Haddy’s response was surprising: “What? We need a bigger house” was her concern. Spencer couldn’t have been happier. “I need a little brother!” he exclaimed.

 

Just when I was ready to announce my pregnancy to the world, the world made its own announcement: Covid 19 had spread across the globe and was now considered a pandemic. Schools and churches and businesses were closing. The slogan, “Save lives. Stay home” started circulating the internet. At first, I didn’t take it very seriously. But on March 12, the church announced that all gatherings were suspended--including college classes--and I realized that this was going to affect my life personally. That night, I gathered with 10 other book club members in Ashley Yost’s living room and the pandemic was the only topic we discussed.  “Did you hear that the Idaho Falls Symphonic Concert is cancelled?” “The BYU-Idaho production of The Cherry Orchard is going to be recorded!” “Classes are going to be held remotely!” “The grocery store has no canned goods.” “I’ve heard that you can’t buy toilet paper at Walmart!” “Kids are going to finish the school year at home.” We parted ways that night, shaking our heads and speculating about when we’d meet again. 

 

Every month, I looked forward to meeting my friend and Eliza’s doctor, Marie Horne, to measure the baby and listen to her racing heartbeat through the monitor. Eliza Jane was growing and developing splendidly. Because they couldn’t attend the ultrasound with me, I facetimed with Trevor and Spencer and we oohed and ahhed at her perfectly shaped head and tiny fingers and toes. The ultrasound tech kept the gender a secret and Trevor and I were able to open an envelope that contained pictures from the ultrasound and the words “It’s a girl!” printed in white letters against the black photos. I quickly bought a pink balloon and stuffed it in a gift bag filled with pink treats to announce the gender to the kids. They opened the bag eagerly, and the helium-filled balloon slowly emerged, dashing Spencer’s hopes for a brother and confirming Sophie’s suspicions. Later that day, I invited Spencer on a drive and we talked about all the reasons why having two little sisters would be exciting. He resolved to make the most of it.

Meant to Be

Eliza Jane was always meant to be part of my life. That much is certain. But the details about how and when she’d arrive couldn’t have been fuzzier. And I know about fuzzy details.

Some of the details are clearer in hindsight. One year before Eliza was born, I was passing along her older sister Ellie’s outgrown baby items within 24 hours. The doodads, boppers, high-chairs, low-chairs and everything-in-between-chairs had cluttered the living rooms long enough; baby girl clothes went to young mothers in the Iona 7th Ward under the direction of my mom, the Relief Society President, as soon as Ellie stretched them out. It wasn’t as though I was eager to be done with all things baby. But Ellie was a miracle, and I knew I wouldn’t get another. She’d be raised as an only child and I’d be happy about it.

Having four kids and a baby wasn’t how I’d planned things. Oh, I knew I’d be a mom; it was a career, a destination for which I’d study and plan as a kid. Maybe, just maybe, I’d marry and have six babies so that they could sit at the dinner table like my family. 

 

In the first eight years, everything was following the blueprint: I’d married the man of my dreams and four beautiful babies had come. But it wasn’t looking good for numbers five and six. We still didn’t have full-time work, but our hands were full. 

 

Four years passed and Trevor turned to me during general conference and declared, “we need to have another baby.” It was a clear prompting and we started planning. Perhaps, in nine or ten months, a fifth child would complete our family. 

 

Number five, Ellie Mariann, took her sweet time. Three years passed and seven-year-old Spencer Barr would be dethroned as the king and baby-of-the-family in 2018. We now relished every milestone Ellie achieved as though it would be our last chance to enjoy a first giggle or clap or step; we passed along anything she outgrew before we let ourselves think of the finality of this stage of parenthood.  And then I started feeling queasy. 

 

One January afternoon, a pregnancy test was purchased on a whim. I went numb when I saw the indicators reveal a positive result. That morning, the challenges of raising teenagers had been weighing heavily and all I wanted to do is sleep. In an instant I knew why I was so exhausted, but how could this be? It had seemed impossible to get Ellie here a little over one year ago. Was it possible that another baby would follow in spite of everything? 

 

Almost immediately after the questions began, a feeing of peace followed that was inexplicable. It would be okay. No, more than okay. It would be just right. Ellie wouldn’t have to be raised an only child. I would get to experience another round of firsts with another beautiful baby. Although I’d forgotten about my nine-year-old wish for six children, it seems I’d been given that hope for a reason. Number six, Eliza Jane, was always meant to be a part of my life. I’d simply forgotten.